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Monologue by Judy Carias

Carias, Judy
Harper, Ann Marie
Date of Interview: 
overcoming obstacles; relationships with people and places; tolerance and respect
Judy Carias talks about her marriage.
Charlotte Narrative and Conversation Collection
Collection Description: 
Ann Marie Harper interviews Charlotteans to collect stories for a class project at UNC Charlotte.
Interview Audio: 
JC (Judy Carias): I'm going to talk about marriage. Um, what marriage means to me is, um, I've been married 17 years now, and me and my husband have been through some really hard times. Uh, we were married in 1986 when he in 1989 was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis which, um, hit us both really hard at the time and put a big, uh, big strain on our marriage in the later years. But, um, at the time we were confronted with it, um, he went through a long battle of depression and, uh, that put, that put more strain on our marriage but when you love somebody you stick with them through hard times, bad times, good times and sometimes it makes you stronger, sometimes it weakens you and you bow out. Um, growing up I took care of my mother for five years and she had cancer and that, that was real hard. So that was five years of my life that I was a primary care, caregiver and um, it was real hard on me, so and when we were confronted with the MS it brought back memories that I was going be a primary care, caregiver again, you know and at the first sign of it the first thought was, you know, you want to run, you want to get out of it, but I kept saying to myself that I love him and I would stand by him and stick by him and help him. Um, you know through the years times have been hard for us and when a, when a man is sick or diagnosed with anything it's harder on a man I believe because their attitude is to be strong and, um, be the, the provider. So my husband now is disabled and he's been disabled for about five years now. And that really is hard on him so that's really put us in some difficult times and things as that we've been, we've been strong, we've been weak, we've, uh, had arguments, we got through them, um, it's just that sometimes it's easier to give up and walk away or leave a situation rather than stick by your mate and you know fight it out with them struggle it, struggle through the hard times with them, they'll, it will make you stronger and make you a better person. Right now I believe our marriage is stronger because of the hard times we've had to go through this but it's never easy. We've gone, we've been through, we've been to marriage counseling and that, that also helped us, um, there are still times that we do, you know, every argument every, um, situation is different. Every marriage, no marriage is perfect you're going to have hard items, your going to, um, have rough times but you just have to stick together and fight or, uh, not fight it out, but just ride the storm and it a it a make you or break you and I'm glad that we've both stuck by each other and rode out the storm together. Um, we, our, we went to marriage counseling because we were having a, a situation where we could not talk to each other. Every time we, uh, talked to each other ended up in an argument. So we decided that maybe counseling would help and it and it did we learned a lot through counseling that, um, it was hard on him because I was able to get up every day and go to work and come home and he could not. He cannot work at this time. And so when I would come from work and talk about my day at work it would depress him because he was not able to do that and, um, when I would come home I would say you know ask him, "What have you done today?" And that would agitate him because to him I was asking him you, or I was saying, "You haven't done anything today?" And, you know, "You need to do something," but that's not what I was meaning when I would ask him. I was asking him just a conversation, you know, "What have you done today?" Just to find out what he had been doing. But, uh, you know, so I had to learn that maybe not asking him, "What have you done today?" But, "How has your day been?" Or, you know, or, "Are you having a good day? Did you have a good day?" And that really helped us out a lot. Um, also there was also times when I would come home from work and he would be up and I would be tired and I wouldn't want to talk at that time so, I would get ill and, um, that would cause an argument. So in counseling we learned that, um, you know, when I come home from work and, and I'm tired or I'm just aggravated, just to give me 10, 10 minutes alone at home without questions, without conversation and, and, um, anything and then just kind of, it, it worked out it, um, helped us a lot so, um, I think that, um, you know, if you, if you love your husband or your wife, you just, you just realize that there are good times and there's bad times and the more you stick with it and stick together that that makes a marriage stronger. Um, it's always easy just to bow out say I'm not going through this or I don't have to put up with this because that's the easy way out but if you know if you love your husband or your wife you will stick by them and, uh, make things work. How do I stop it?